Dear Men’s Health,
I’d like to submit the follow tips and tricks to learning how to talk to women about sports. I look forward to hearing back!
1. Make her watch Brian’s Song with you. Let her see you cry. She needs to know you can be a total girl about sports too.
2. If she angrily asks why Mattingly would, say, bench Puig in an elimination game of a division series only to pinch run him in the 9th when he’s got an injured ankle, ask her if she’s on her period. Sure, you’re probably annoyed by it too, but her annoyance is probably PMS-related.
3. Mute those weird English lady Viagra commercials. Those aren’t for her.
4. Mute those annoying Chevy Truck Month Commercials. She’s going to say something like, “how insecure do you have to be to buy one of those enormous monstrosities?” You know the answer to that question: Very. Those trucks are awesome.
5. Rather than throw a bunch of confusing and math-y stats at her, explain it to her in terms of Sex and the City.
For example, you can say, “Mariano Rivera retired with a career 2.21 ERA and a 82-60 Win/Loss Record. Think of each win as a Mr. Big, and each loss as an Aiden. Well… I guess each loss is probably more like a Berger… Wait, which one is the guy who built furniture?”
When she says, “What kind of an idiot looks at a Win/Loss record for a pitcher? The win stat doesn’t tell us anything helpful about his performance on the mound, it only tells us how the offense responds on the other half of the inning. And why would you care about the win stat for a relief pitcher? Isn’t WHIP, or K/BB, or the holds or saves stat much more usef–”
Then you can cut her off and tell her to stop being such a Miranda.
6. Tell her to think of the playoffs as The Bachelor. Each team gets awarded a rose by scoring more points or runs than their opponent within the allotted time of play.
Some teams are total wild cards and advance more than anyone expected. Like that one girl on The Bachelor who totally had crazy eyes and got super clingy right away.
But other teams seem like a lock. Like that one girl who was so sweet to her parents and who won the solo date on the hot air balloon. The one with the shiny hair. That girl, I mean, team, is totally going to the finals.
WARNING: Do not try to explain the BCS to her in terms of The Bachelor. Don’t try to explain the Rose Bowl with an extended metaphor about a really important rose ceremony. It doesn’t apply and both of your heads will explode.
7. Think of her as another adult, if you can. One who has a fully operational brain capable of understanding stats without having to put emotions and story lines behind them. This is not advisable if you are incapable of speaking to people without condescension.
8. If all else fails, feel free to follow these women on Twitter. I’m sure they’d love to field all your questions: